Happy 2020!

I love, love, love writing and get so much joy from just putting down my thoughts even if nobody reads what I write. I write just to write. I am thankful for the simple joy and contentment I get from it. The selfish part about this is that I blog for myself because it has a positive effect on me. So here I am again putting down my first post here in 2020.
Like most people, the new year forces me to be still, thoughtful, dig deeper and tackle things I have been putting off. The start of 2020 has been no different in the sense that I still found myself going inward and just taking stock but this time I did it so gently. I was not hard on myself neither did I have any regrets. I looked at the past year like an observer and just noticed what happened. I stopped and observed as if I was an artist looking at a piece of painting I had just completed. Then I felt grateful for having completed it.
A few times I thought to myself, "I should be doing more. Writing more. Using this platform/internet for gains and capitalizing from my love of writing in some way etc." But, just writing to write whenever I can feels enough, feels okay. No pressure, just raw stories with no frills...thoughts uncensored. It doesn't mean I never want to publish anything, it just means I want to continue to write when I can and how I want and just enjoy this gift.
Talking of enjoying gifts, I am truly just thankful to be sitting at my laptop typing away, in a safe neighborhood, with food in my belly and a beating heart. I am not entitled to any of these things. I mean, I wish I could say we are all entitled to these things and more, like wonderful marriages and  good relationships with our parents and loved ones and fulfilling careers etc, but quite frankly the ones before us had it worse and they too deserved/wanted better. So to even be here, as in alive and breathing and part of the online community is plenty. And even as bleak as the world may seem today, we are still enjoying more peace and living much longer than any other generation before us.
There's room for more, but I never want to forget the basics...the simple things.

Xx,

V

Memories & Experiences

I am so thankful for the memories i get to look back on and smile about because they add so much color to my life and tell a story. Even the not so good ones have been great teachers so still i am grateful for them because i know i needed the lessons. The same goes for experiences. That said, i know i am one those people who can get stuck in nostalgia if i am not careful. You see, memories are great but i realized there's a risk of missing out on what is present or miss out on creating new experiences, if you hold onto them too tightly.

There is also a tendency of making our memories more grand and magical than they actually were, when we are nostalgic. This is often common when it comes to romantic partners that we have parted ways with, forgetting that actually, it did not work out for a reason however nostalgic we may be feeling at that particular moment.

We do not always get to hold onto the loves of our lives (and personally i do not believe love conquers all), we do not always get to keep that dream job or avoid that illness that almost killed us. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and another is to let them go and just be thankful for the time you shared. Sometimes you have to find a new job so that you can learn and create new things and sometimes recovering from a bad illness makes you appreciate your life even more.

I have found that when i am truly thankful for an experience or memory (both good and bad) there is never a feeling of sadness or regret...only peace because it happened and i got to live it.

Xx

A thank you for those who keep inspiring us...

I met this wonderful lady here in Italy and we immediately became fast friends. When we met, i was struggling with adjusting to my new home in this new town where i knew nobody, until i met her. She on the other hand was going through a difficult divorce, planning to move from the only home she has known for years and looking to buy a new home to settle in all the while dealing with the mind boggling Italian bureaucracy to get things done, while trying to rebuild the broken relationship with her son and also keep her small business going...it was a lot.

But, even while going through a tough time, she inspired me because i witnessed her working hard at life. She on the other always reminds me that my story and choices have inspired her too. Yes, there were tears on some days and our local bar got to know us because of our long coffee dates (because we can talk for hours) but even without intending it or knowing it, we inspired each other just by living our ordinary lives...nothing special, no limelight...just doing life.

I am so thankful for the easy friendship and so grateful for the unexpected inspiration that was born of a vulnerable phase in our lives. So much growth and learning has taken place, and that is priceless.

Every day many ordinary men and women wake up and tackle difficult life situations. You will never hear about their stories, know their names or see their pictures on the cover of a magazine but they are out there working hard at life, even though their accomplishments are not visible or glorified.

So here's to those working hard to put food on the table. Parenting alone. Struggling with an addiction. Caring for a loved one with special needs. Re-building a broken relationship. Grieving the passing of a loved one while tackling everyday life. Trying to find yourself. Battling an illness. Being treated unfairly in the workplace but you keep going and keep starting over. Here's to all of those who keep getting knocked down by life but always stagger back up. You are the real MVPs. You are all an inspiration to those around you...because what is life without inspiration?

Xx,

Victoria

The Present is THE Present.

Sometimes when i get bored or when something traumatic happens, i start searching for answers to life's burning questions...well i do this a lot in the middle of the night too, when sleep avoids me. Sometimes the questions go something like, "Why am i here? What did i do to deserve being here?" and other times they are so random like, "Why does my left eye twitch in the darkness? Why am i afraid of the dark?"  you know, normal, everyday questions.

Once i have exhausted google, i usually end up responding to an email i have been procrastinating about, then i will get some anxiety about my over-flowing inbox and junk mail so i clean that up and promise not to let it get that bad again (but then i have promised many times before and i still let it happen...go figure...).

Half the time i don't have any idea what the answer is to some of these life's questions that keep popping up. And by half the time i mean all the time. And yet now and then i feel so lucky because i could be in the shower, eyes closed, enjoying the warm water on my skin...the few moments when i don't do any thinking for some reason...and just like that, an aha moment! I can describe this aha moment as a glimpse of something you know is there yet it keeps hiding from you, but once in a while it reveals itself to you...if that makes sense.

As i have become more aware of my thinking tendencies i have gotten better at being in the now. I have a lot to learn, but for now thinking less has been such a gift that i am so grateful for because it is my over-thinking that has caused me a lot of anxiety over the years. In these moments when i give no attention to my thoughts i notice my heart beating and feel so grateful to be alive. In these moments when i am not stuck in my thoughts thinking about yesterday, tomorrow or what happened ten years ago, my aliveness comes through. I realize my life is not my personal history or any of the things that have happened to me (or not happened to me). In these special moments it is clear my life is none other than my beating heart and my consciousness...and i get filled with so much gratitude because i get to be here. I get to exist.

Xx,

Victoria.

Poetry

I've been dying for something real
I've been waiting for time to heal
I've been searching for ways to deal
I've been dreaming of the up-hill
I've been hoping the layers will peel
I've been praying for truth not to conceal...

Xx,

Victoria.

PS: So grateful for the gift and love of writing. For the power of words. For the beauty of poetry...just like a bottle of good wine, poetry doesn't get old.

I am not the Vegas friend...

It doesn't mean i don't like to have fun or that i don't like Vegas...i do, but i am not that friend who calls you to get ready for a wild night out...maybe what i am trying to say is that i am a homebody more than i am "fun".

I want to be invited (so please do send me that invite) but there's also a chance i will not go. I want to hit that new club with the girls but there's always that moment when stilettos are on and all i need is some lipstick then i am ready to go...but suddenly i look at my comfy couch and warm, fur blanket and all urge to go out clubbing is gone. The couch, pop-corn, a glass of red and nice movie easily wins.

But i am the friend you can call when you are lying in a hospital bed awaiting some scary news and you need someone to stay and hold your hand. I am the friend you call when your world comes crushing down and you need a good cry on a comfortable couch with some hot tea, no questions and lots of  fluffy napkins to wipe your tears. I am that friend you call when you need the truth because i will always tell it as it is. I am the loyal till the end friend and also the emotional friend who remembers the name of your childhood dog, and who will get nostalgic and teary-eyed with you as we look through old pictures. I am the friend who will save your money for you and remind you that i still have it even if it is ten years later (if you are that forgetful hahaha). I am the friend you leave your children with and know that i will care for them as if they were my own. I am that friend who picks up mail for her friend in her P.O.Box and mails it to her abroad every month for a year until her return. I am that friend who will go visit your aunt in hospice because you cannot be there. And i am the friend you don't have to call all the time but when we meet, we can still pick up right where we left off...i am also the friend you can be in silence with...

I am so thankful for friendships...all kinds of friendships. The ones that stand the test of time. The ones that last even when distance separates. The ones where you are loved for who you are, flaws and all...no expectations required in order to be worthy. The seasonal ones that come for a purpose and end for a reason. The workplace ones and the personal ones. The virtual ones where bodies never meet but souls connect. The ones that come our way, so unexpectedly but right on time. I am so thankful for all these friendships because somehow they have all played an important role when i needed it the most.

So many times we underestimate how important these human connections are. Or how beautiful it is that God (or whatever you believe in) designed friendships this way...that we may all play a special part in each other's lives, by being true to who we are.

Xx,

Victoria

Summer came, summer went.

I have spent the past few days sorting and folding and figuring out where to donate some clothing items or who to give them to, because i feel i can do with much less than i currently have even though i gave away half my stuff already just a few years ago. I thought i would need that stuff eventually or miss it but i do not. Instead i want even less! In this process i have found myself so thankful for what i have and the fact that i do not feel the need to have more stuff...so thankful for the contentment i have found in living with less, but more on that later...

While sorting and folding, i have found myself reflecting on the summer we just ended and what a gift it was...reflecting (especially after an event, as opposed to in the moment) helps make things so much clearer for me. It was not all perfect (it never really is) but it was beautiful, and involved a lot of travel. Travel will always have a special place in my life...from a young age my dreams were about going away to faraway lands and exploring.

I feel so grateful for the chance to have those lazy days in June, in Sardina (Sadegna). I lazed around in the mornings, sometimes on my sea view balcony other days at the beach, taking in the fresh sea air, soaking up those morning, gentle rays and just being in the moment. In the afternoons if we were not napping after exhausting ourselves swimming in the sea, we lugged coolers to the shore packed with cold beverages and salami sandwiches that we ate with sandy hands when taking breaks from splashing in the sea and our snorkeling adventures. In the evenings we strolled the beautiful sidewalks, ate ice-cream and sometimes attended the community summer festivals that took place most nights.

In August i finally had the chance to visit Santorini, this beautiful island i always wanted to see. The breathtaking sunsets and views did not disappoint. The culture and food was a joyful experience. The whitewashed walls and bright blue doors and rooftops, the white sand and black sand and feta cheese...it was all divine. The only thing that could compete with the stunning colors of the buildings is again, the famous santorini sunset! I feel thankful that i was able to go.

I did a lot of traveling this year (i won't get into all the places i went) than i ever have before, and it was all so necessary. It was yet another chance to change things up, inhale and exhale. I found myself dizzied with so much gratitude than usual, and being in the moment more than ever. I did not take so many pictures but gosh, my heart felt so full.

Now that summer is gone and the cold air is starting to creep in, i find myself shifting and adjusting mentally but also emotionally (the seasons tend to do this to me) in a good way. I find myself self-reflecting while sipping on hot tea, stuck indoors as the rain pours...and sometimes nostalgic for the sea air...but in all this my heart is full. I think i might have one more trip (or two) that involve sun that i will squeeze in between winter but even if that doesn't happen, i feel this gratitude for what was this summer, and that's what this journey is about.

Xx,

Victoria