The Present is THE Present.

Sometimes when i get bored or when something traumatic happens, i start searching for answers to life's burning questions...well i do this a lot in the middle of the night too, when sleep avoids me. Sometimes the questions go something like, "Why am i here? What did i do to deserve being here?" and other times they are so random like, "Why does my left eye twitch in the darkness? Why am i afraid of the dark?"  you know, normal, everyday questions.

Once i have exhausted google, i usually end up responding to an email i have been procrastinating about, then i will get some anxiety about my over-flowing inbox and junk mail so i clean that up and promise not to let it get that bad again (but then i have promised many times before and i still let it happen...go figure...).

Half the time i don't have any idea what the answer is to some of these life's questions that keep popping up. And by half the time i mean all the time. And yet now and then i feel so lucky because i could be in the shower, eyes closed, enjoying the warm water on my skin...the few moments when i don't do any thinking for some reason...and just like that, an aha moment! I can describe this aha moment as a glimpse of something you know is there yet it keeps hiding from you, but once in a while it reveals itself to you...if that makes sense.

As i have become more aware of my thinking tendencies i have gotten better at being in the now. I have a lot to learn, but for now thinking less has been such a gift that i am so grateful for because it is my over-thinking that has caused me a lot of anxiety over the years. In these moments when i give no attention to my thoughts i notice my heart beating and feel so grateful to be alive. In these moments when i am not stuck in my thoughts thinking about yesterday, tomorrow or what happened ten years ago, my aliveness comes through. I realize my life is not my personal history or any of the things that have happened to me (or not happened to me). In these special moments it is clear my life is none other than my beating heart and my consciousness...and i get filled with so much gratitude because i get to be here. I get to exist.

Xx,

Victoria.