Sometimes when i get bored or when something traumatic happens, i start searching for answers to life's burning questions...well i do this a lot in the middle of the night too, when sleep avoids me. Sometimes the questions go something like, "Why am i here? What did i do to deserve being here?" and other times they are so random like, "Why does my left eye twitch in the darkness? Why am i afraid of the dark?" you know, normal, everyday questions.
Once i have exhausted google, i usually end up responding to an email i have been procrastinating about, then i will get some anxiety about my over-flowing inbox and junk mail so i clean that up and promise not to let it get that bad again (but then i have promised many times before and i still let it happen...go figure...).
Half the time i don't have any idea what the answer is to some of these life's questions that keep popping up. And by half the time i mean all the time. And yet now and then i feel so lucky because i could be in the shower, eyes closed, enjoying the warm water on my skin...the few moments when i don't do any thinking for some reason...and just like that, an aha moment! I can describe this aha moment as a glimpse of something you know is there yet it keeps hiding from you, but once in a while it reveals itself to you...if that makes sense.
As i have become more aware of my thinking tendencies i have gotten better at being in the now. I have a lot to learn, but for now thinking less has been such a gift that i am so grateful for because it is my over-thinking that has caused me a lot of anxiety over the years. In these moments when i give no attention to my thoughts i notice my heart beating and feel so grateful to be alive. In these moments when i am not stuck in my thoughts thinking about yesterday, tomorrow or what happened ten years ago, my aliveness comes through. I realize my life is not my personal history or any of the things that have happened to me (or not happened to me). In these special moments it is clear my life is none other than my beating heart and my consciousness...and i get filled with so much gratitude because i get to be here. I get to exist.
Xx,
Victoria.
Thursday, 29 November 2018
Tuesday, 20 November 2018
Poetry
I've been dying for something real
I've been waiting for time to heal
I've been searching for ways to deal
I've been dreaming of the up-hill
I've been hoping the layers will peel
I've been praying for truth not to conceal...
Xx,
Victoria.
PS: So grateful for the gift and love of writing. For the power of words. For the beauty of poetry...just like a bottle of good wine, poetry doesn't get old.
I've been waiting for time to heal
I've been searching for ways to deal
I've been dreaming of the up-hill
I've been hoping the layers will peel
I've been praying for truth not to conceal...
Xx,
Victoria.
PS: So grateful for the gift and love of writing. For the power of words. For the beauty of poetry...just like a bottle of good wine, poetry doesn't get old.
Friday, 2 November 2018
I am not the Vegas friend...
It doesn't mean i don't like to have fun or that i don't like Vegas...i do, but i am not that friend who calls you to get ready for a wild night out...maybe what i am trying to say is that i am a homebody more than i am "fun".
I want to be invited (so please do send me that invite) but there's also a chance i will not go. I want to hit that new club with the girls but there's always that moment when stilettos are on and all i need is some lipstick then i am ready to go...but suddenly i look at my comfy couch and warm, fur blanket and all urge to go out clubbing is gone. The couch, pop-corn, a glass of red and nice movie easily wins.
But i am the friend you can call when you are lying in a hospital bed awaiting some scary news and you need someone to stay and hold your hand. I am the friend you call when your world comes crushing down and you need a good cry on a comfortable couch with some hot tea, no questions and lots of fluffy napkins to wipe your tears. I am that friend you call when you need the truth because i will always tell it as it is. I am the loyal till the end friend and also the emotional friend who remembers the name of your childhood dog, and who will get nostalgic and teary-eyed with you as we look through old pictures. I am the friend who will save your money for you and remind you that i still have it even if it is ten years later (if you are that forgetful hahaha). I am the friend you leave your children with and know that i will care for them as if they were my own. I am that friend who picks up mail for her friend in her P.O.Box and mails it to her abroad every month for a year until her return. I am that friend who will go visit your aunt in hospice because you cannot be there. And i am the friend you don't have to call all the time but when we meet, we can still pick up right where we left off...i am also the friend you can be in silence with...
I am so thankful for friendships...all kinds of friendships. The ones that stand the test of time. The ones that last even when distance separates. The ones where you are loved for who you are, flaws and all...no expectations required in order to be worthy. The seasonal ones that come for a purpose and end for a reason. The workplace ones and the personal ones. The virtual ones where bodies never meet but souls connect. The ones that come our way, so unexpectedly but right on time. I am so thankful for all these friendships because somehow they have all played an important role when i needed it the most.
So many times we underestimate how important these human connections are. Or how beautiful it is that God (or whatever you believe in) designed friendships this way...that we may all play a special part in each other's lives, by being true to who we are.
Xx,
Victoria
I want to be invited (so please do send me that invite) but there's also a chance i will not go. I want to hit that new club with the girls but there's always that moment when stilettos are on and all i need is some lipstick then i am ready to go...but suddenly i look at my comfy couch and warm, fur blanket and all urge to go out clubbing is gone. The couch, pop-corn, a glass of red and nice movie easily wins.
But i am the friend you can call when you are lying in a hospital bed awaiting some scary news and you need someone to stay and hold your hand. I am the friend you call when your world comes crushing down and you need a good cry on a comfortable couch with some hot tea, no questions and lots of fluffy napkins to wipe your tears. I am that friend you call when you need the truth because i will always tell it as it is. I am the loyal till the end friend and also the emotional friend who remembers the name of your childhood dog, and who will get nostalgic and teary-eyed with you as we look through old pictures. I am the friend who will save your money for you and remind you that i still have it even if it is ten years later (if you are that forgetful hahaha). I am the friend you leave your children with and know that i will care for them as if they were my own. I am that friend who picks up mail for her friend in her P.O.Box and mails it to her abroad every month for a year until her return. I am that friend who will go visit your aunt in hospice because you cannot be there. And i am the friend you don't have to call all the time but when we meet, we can still pick up right where we left off...i am also the friend you can be in silence with...
I am so thankful for friendships...all kinds of friendships. The ones that stand the test of time. The ones that last even when distance separates. The ones where you are loved for who you are, flaws and all...no expectations required in order to be worthy. The seasonal ones that come for a purpose and end for a reason. The workplace ones and the personal ones. The virtual ones where bodies never meet but souls connect. The ones that come our way, so unexpectedly but right on time. I am so thankful for all these friendships because somehow they have all played an important role when i needed it the most.
So many times we underestimate how important these human connections are. Or how beautiful it is that God (or whatever you believe in) designed friendships this way...that we may all play a special part in each other's lives, by being true to who we are.
Xx,
Victoria
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